First off, I'd like to wish everyone the warmest of Holiday Greetings and a Propserous New Year. Hope you enjoy the new song playing - it's befitting with the New Year just around the corner.
With BTLOG being over for two weeks now, I figured I would have this profound reflection of how it all went down like I did last year. Alas, it never developed into more than a sincere and genuine appreciation for how God can meticulously weave together all the talent we have at FCC so well. I think everything else I wanted to say about this year's BTLOG was summarized in my Thanksgiving entry (The One With Thanksgiving '06 And Stuff...). With that being said, Dustin is still working on the final version of our live performance onto DVD - mixing, editing, and synching the video with the audio tracks. I've only heard the audio clips thus far and they sound really good. The final version of this DVD will be something all of us will be proud to give to Andrew Peterson. If you want a copy of it, please let me know - I'll jot down your name and get one to you somehow. You can either leave a comment to this entry with your request or feel free to email me. Now that we have the housekeeping issues taken care of, here we go with the real entry...
I am overwhelmed these days. By the simplicity of grace. The cold-hearted truth of me not being even remotely close to deserving the overflow of blessings that have been lavished upon me. This year has all been a blur it seems. This bullet train to the unknown stops for nobody. As I gaze upon the scenic canvas that rushes pass me, I catch glimpses of truth. It's as if it lulls itself into a stillness so that it can pierce through these emotions that have been dilapidated. Before me now lies the aforementioned simplistic grace; beside it is a pool of complexities spawned from years of fear and uncertainty. I take one last glance out the window in desperation to find a kind resolute. A mere reflection of me hides in the darkness of a silhouetted soul. Who is this person? God, show me in your gentle spirit the glad tidings of joy you bring.
Some time back in August of this year, God led me to a little peaceful spot back here in Killearn Lakes during one of my many summer rides. There was plenty of daylight left in the day, so I figured I would venture down this road that I had thought was "Private Property." Ever since I started riding back here, I would zoom by this entrance because I was scared someone would yell at me for crossing through the gate. I remember that day so vividly: I rode down to this open field encompassed by the most placid lake; the wind whispered heavenly peace; and houses along the shore emitted a warm glow as the sunset, full of God's colors, fell beneath the horizon. In the middle of all this lies a rustic dock. Its condition isn't anything to brag about. It serves as a solid foundation for many people who want to fish from it - but for me, it's a humble throne to approach God with everything in my life. I can't really explain the solace I feel when I'm there just peering out to the landscape God crafted. It's as if this feeling was something I've longed for ever since I became a Christian. To have this quiet sanctuary I can go to at my disposal has been so important in my walk with Christ these past few months.
Through it all, inconsistencies still exist in my life. Most notably, my quiet times with God. I realize that communicating with Him doesn't just mean telling Him about my life. There's praise and intercession for my fellow brothers and sisters, the nation, the world, and whatever else that doesn't involve me. Adding on to that is being spiritually fed by God's word and simply meditating on the truths of His wisdom. I can't seem to be reminded enough of how in the grand scheme of things that I am so minutely small and that God is so immeasurably big. There's nothing more telling than God's love during my times of being inconsistent. Because in the midst of my inconsistencies, God is still ever so consistent with His blessings. He has revealed this to me in very new and real ways. His grace soaks my inequities and shortcomings; they can't exist alongside His mercy. Many a times I feel so ashamed of my cyclical sins that I almost refuse to accept His blessings. I know to begin with, I don't deserve anything He gives me. He has given me the gift of salvation through His son - and that in and of itself is more than I can ever ask for.
Throughout this season of life, I have found myself approaching God in candid ways that I had never done before. There's no hiding from Him. He knows the desires of my heart even before they are even felt by me. Somewhere along the way, I gathered about my wits and pride to actually pray in a steadfast fashion about my future. Specific prayers are what He wants to hear from us. Not that generic prayers are bad or anything, but I think going the distance and telling God your every being and thoughts are in some cosmic way an extension of your reverence to Him - that you trust and have the utmost faith that He will properly place things in your life when and where He sees fit. And during this process of giving God my "tell-all," I asked feverishly for the knowledge on how to accept His love and forgiveness. Because I often overthink and -analyze situations in my life to where I miss out on the blessings that are given to me. I'm so hard on myself when I screw up that I fall into the pits of self-pity. I've done this all my life and to actually ask God to change that about me was a huge step for me. To admit defeat in the weakest of moments and allow Him to intervene was something I wanted to know how to do.
I prayed often for the courage to open my eyes and heart to relationships that He wanted in my life. And sometimes, I would pray for a queen. This queen didn't need to be rich; she didn't need a resume full of credentials that said she adorned magazine covers; she didn't even have to be someone that I liked off-the-bat. For once in my life, I wanted to be on the straight and narrow seeking God and then Him just pointing out to me that there's a person that He wanted me to meet. About a month ago, I was right smack dab in the middle of an inconsistency spell. Not reading His word daily...and not praying as much as I should. Instead, I was just coasting through life as if nothing was wrong. And in the midst of that aloofness, God awakened me to someone that I could have never dreamed of. You set what you think are high standards in life and wonder if those would ever be compromised because maybe those were born at a time where you were foolish and unrealistic. But what I've realized with each passing day is that as I age, I become less and less tolerant of things in this world. I become more set in my ways and routines that my ineptitude also becomes more and more evident. I mean I wasn't even as close to Him as I had been during the months and weeks prior, but during this time, His perfect timing and provision manifested into a newfound friendship. This silhouetted soul that once hid in the reflection of my desires had arisen in the image of Christ and is the gentlest of souls. A fellow sister in Christ that could be my queen to be one day.
The future remains to be seen for the two of us. Regardless, the moments that we've shared up to this point have been nothing short of amazing and overwhelming. Facilitated by His guidance, the warmth and gentleness of this newfound blossom in my life has opened up a new corridor to my heart. Ultimately, my eyes and heart have begun to understand the true meaning of grace. It's not an elaborate concept to grasp, but for someone like me, it's hard to accept, at times, that I still receive these blessings when I don't give Him my all. I don't know why it has taken me this long to get to the point of understanding how God doesn't work on a barter system or a "cause and effect" relationship. All of this seems like a dream, but at the same time I know it isn't because I feel so alive and eager to want to see God through all of this. God was listening to me this entire time. My desires were His to begin with. He has been showing me piece by piece what He wants me to have in this stage of my life. I am so thankful and happy that the person He brought into my life has shown me a clearer and bigger picture of God. The best part of it has been that all of this caught me off-guard. I would like to think that before all of this transpired, that I was seeking God wholeheartedly and that my thoughts of sharing my life with someone was just a steadfast afterthought. I didn't want that to consume me to any degree. I wanted to be in love with God and know how it felt to fall in love with Him again. And during all of this, the extension of God's beauty has captivated me through her southern grace; her desire to be a vessel for God's work; and just how genuine she is with me. She has accepted me just the way I am - and that just means the world to this little boy. So as I close, I just wanted to thank everyone who has encouraged me in the last month - you know who you are. It has been so good for my soul to have met this beautiful girl who has shared as much about her life as I have mine. I have been absolutely flattered by how she and her family have welcomed me into their home and lives.
You have met a big part of my family in Mike and Janet; and I hope you'll meet my dad and Tony soon. So here's to the unknown that God has already known for ages. Thank you for allowing me in to your life. I am humbled and honored to say the following words: Welcome to my life, AmandaLyn...
For ALH
~KH
With BTLOG being over for two weeks now, I figured I would have this profound reflection of how it all went down like I did last year. Alas, it never developed into more than a sincere and genuine appreciation for how God can meticulously weave together all the talent we have at FCC so well. I think everything else I wanted to say about this year's BTLOG was summarized in my Thanksgiving entry (The One With Thanksgiving '06 And Stuff...). With that being said, Dustin is still working on the final version of our live performance onto DVD - mixing, editing, and synching the video with the audio tracks. I've only heard the audio clips thus far and they sound really good. The final version of this DVD will be something all of us will be proud to give to Andrew Peterson. If you want a copy of it, please let me know - I'll jot down your name and get one to you somehow. You can either leave a comment to this entry with your request or feel free to email me. Now that we have the housekeeping issues taken care of, here we go with the real entry...
I am overwhelmed these days. By the simplicity of grace. The cold-hearted truth of me not being even remotely close to deserving the overflow of blessings that have been lavished upon me. This year has all been a blur it seems. This bullet train to the unknown stops for nobody. As I gaze upon the scenic canvas that rushes pass me, I catch glimpses of truth. It's as if it lulls itself into a stillness so that it can pierce through these emotions that have been dilapidated. Before me now lies the aforementioned simplistic grace; beside it is a pool of complexities spawned from years of fear and uncertainty. I take one last glance out the window in desperation to find a kind resolute. A mere reflection of me hides in the darkness of a silhouetted soul. Who is this person? God, show me in your gentle spirit the glad tidings of joy you bring.
Some time back in August of this year, God led me to a little peaceful spot back here in Killearn Lakes during one of my many summer rides. There was plenty of daylight left in the day, so I figured I would venture down this road that I had thought was "Private Property." Ever since I started riding back here, I would zoom by this entrance because I was scared someone would yell at me for crossing through the gate. I remember that day so vividly: I rode down to this open field encompassed by the most placid lake; the wind whispered heavenly peace; and houses along the shore emitted a warm glow as the sunset, full of God's colors, fell beneath the horizon. In the middle of all this lies a rustic dock. Its condition isn't anything to brag about. It serves as a solid foundation for many people who want to fish from it - but for me, it's a humble throne to approach God with everything in my life. I can't really explain the solace I feel when I'm there just peering out to the landscape God crafted. It's as if this feeling was something I've longed for ever since I became a Christian. To have this quiet sanctuary I can go to at my disposal has been so important in my walk with Christ these past few months.
Through it all, inconsistencies still exist in my life. Most notably, my quiet times with God. I realize that communicating with Him doesn't just mean telling Him about my life. There's praise and intercession for my fellow brothers and sisters, the nation, the world, and whatever else that doesn't involve me. Adding on to that is being spiritually fed by God's word and simply meditating on the truths of His wisdom. I can't seem to be reminded enough of how in the grand scheme of things that I am so minutely small and that God is so immeasurably big. There's nothing more telling than God's love during my times of being inconsistent. Because in the midst of my inconsistencies, God is still ever so consistent with His blessings. He has revealed this to me in very new and real ways. His grace soaks my inequities and shortcomings; they can't exist alongside His mercy. Many a times I feel so ashamed of my cyclical sins that I almost refuse to accept His blessings. I know to begin with, I don't deserve anything He gives me. He has given me the gift of salvation through His son - and that in and of itself is more than I can ever ask for.
Throughout this season of life, I have found myself approaching God in candid ways that I had never done before. There's no hiding from Him. He knows the desires of my heart even before they are even felt by me. Somewhere along the way, I gathered about my wits and pride to actually pray in a steadfast fashion about my future. Specific prayers are what He wants to hear from us. Not that generic prayers are bad or anything, but I think going the distance and telling God your every being and thoughts are in some cosmic way an extension of your reverence to Him - that you trust and have the utmost faith that He will properly place things in your life when and where He sees fit. And during this process of giving God my "tell-all," I asked feverishly for the knowledge on how to accept His love and forgiveness. Because I often overthink and -analyze situations in my life to where I miss out on the blessings that are given to me. I'm so hard on myself when I screw up that I fall into the pits of self-pity. I've done this all my life and to actually ask God to change that about me was a huge step for me. To admit defeat in the weakest of moments and allow Him to intervene was something I wanted to know how to do.
I prayed often for the courage to open my eyes and heart to relationships that He wanted in my life. And sometimes, I would pray for a queen. This queen didn't need to be rich; she didn't need a resume full of credentials that said she adorned magazine covers; she didn't even have to be someone that I liked off-the-bat. For once in my life, I wanted to be on the straight and narrow seeking God and then Him just pointing out to me that there's a person that He wanted me to meet. About a month ago, I was right smack dab in the middle of an inconsistency spell. Not reading His word daily...and not praying as much as I should. Instead, I was just coasting through life as if nothing was wrong. And in the midst of that aloofness, God awakened me to someone that I could have never dreamed of. You set what you think are high standards in life and wonder if those would ever be compromised because maybe those were born at a time where you were foolish and unrealistic. But what I've realized with each passing day is that as I age, I become less and less tolerant of things in this world. I become more set in my ways and routines that my ineptitude also becomes more and more evident. I mean I wasn't even as close to Him as I had been during the months and weeks prior, but during this time, His perfect timing and provision manifested into a newfound friendship. This silhouetted soul that once hid in the reflection of my desires had arisen in the image of Christ and is the gentlest of souls. A fellow sister in Christ that could be my queen to be one day.
The future remains to be seen for the two of us. Regardless, the moments that we've shared up to this point have been nothing short of amazing and overwhelming. Facilitated by His guidance, the warmth and gentleness of this newfound blossom in my life has opened up a new corridor to my heart. Ultimately, my eyes and heart have begun to understand the true meaning of grace. It's not an elaborate concept to grasp, but for someone like me, it's hard to accept, at times, that I still receive these blessings when I don't give Him my all. I don't know why it has taken me this long to get to the point of understanding how God doesn't work on a barter system or a "cause and effect" relationship. All of this seems like a dream, but at the same time I know it isn't because I feel so alive and eager to want to see God through all of this. God was listening to me this entire time. My desires were His to begin with. He has been showing me piece by piece what He wants me to have in this stage of my life. I am so thankful and happy that the person He brought into my life has shown me a clearer and bigger picture of God. The best part of it has been that all of this caught me off-guard. I would like to think that before all of this transpired, that I was seeking God wholeheartedly and that my thoughts of sharing my life with someone was just a steadfast afterthought. I didn't want that to consume me to any degree. I wanted to be in love with God and know how it felt to fall in love with Him again. And during all of this, the extension of God's beauty has captivated me through her southern grace; her desire to be a vessel for God's work; and just how genuine she is with me. She has accepted me just the way I am - and that just means the world to this little boy. So as I close, I just wanted to thank everyone who has encouraged me in the last month - you know who you are. It has been so good for my soul to have met this beautiful girl who has shared as much about her life as I have mine. I have been absolutely flattered by how she and her family have welcomed me into their home and lives.
You have met a big part of my family in Mike and Janet; and I hope you'll meet my dad and Tony soon. So here's to the unknown that God has already known for ages. Thank you for allowing me in to your life. I am humbled and honored to say the following words: Welcome to my life, AmandaLyn...
For ALH
~KH
2 comments:
This is beautiful ~ so pure and honest. You have a depth to you that goes beyond the common man. I am so glad that you have found a kindred spirit to share your world with and I hope to meet her one day. ~A~
Thanks, Angel :)
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