Wednesday, November 16, 2005

The One With Chinese And Struggling Faith...

Once again, it's early in the day. Some may argue it's late, but who's to judge which words best describe a time when most people are in deep slumber anyways? I mean who cares right? Well, I sorta do since I'm one who's driven by this nocturnal creature inside me. Sleep seems to be this non-essential commodity at times. I should be studying Chinese characters so this upcoming test won't be tackled through the sheer cramming of the brain at the last moment. Granted, this Chinese class isn't being taken for a grade; just personal enrichment. But paying $600 for this learning experience you can't help but to take it somewhat seriously; and I am, no worries there. I actually have found myself setting some high expectations for this class. Unless something drastic happens, there shouldn't be any issues of me passing this class with an A. Well duh, you better since you're Chinese and speak the language fluently. Ummm, I beg to differ. This language can kick anyone's tail if you're not aware of its wrath. The memorization process of what seems like an infinite amount of characters and strokes can be very disconcerting. The first couple of lessons were task-friendly, but six lessons later, the number of memorized strokes in my head is about as messy as my unkempt hair these days.

The end of this Fall semester is rapidly approaching. The overall experience has been quite rewarding I would say. Learning and remembering my native language has been swell (golly Beave). Walking on campus has been quite an eye-opening experience. I'll take "Cell Phones And iPods Accompanying Students' Walk To Class" for $1,000 Alex. What in the world happened to just walking to class and not having technological gadgets luring away some quality time in deep thought? Not that I’m certifiably old school or anything, but maybe I should scale back on my older-age thinking. I have to admit that feeling a tad bit old in class isn't one of those grandiose moments either. I mean other than that, I'm not bitter. I'm far from it actually - or maybe not. Overall, my recrudescence from educational dormancy has been mostly fruitful. However, the time has flown by like the dickens - ok wow, I believe I just dove right into a minority pool within the Chinese culture of two-plus billion people. Using the word "dickens?!?" Who in their right mind uses that word anymore? A good amount of Anglo-Saxons in this world probably don't even use that term. And aren't those what my people kill and eat handily? Silly me, that's chickens. Hmmm...I suppose I'm easily amused or perhaps better yet, I have an uncanny ability of being aloof to my corniness. Moving on to less banter-filled thoughts...

I'd like to revisit some musings about God and His magnanimity. It seems so clearly evident these days that His constant and steadfast love always gets lost in the process of me compromising His will with my own understanding of what He wants to bless me with. I mean granted, I'm always humbled and led back to His straight and narrow at the end, but that delicate path seems to elude me during my selfish pursuit of Him. I manipulate my mind into thinking that my ways are valid and without any complexities, when all along it's so fully incorrect and not-so glorifying to Him. How hard can it truly be to grasp the simple concept of God is big and we're not? In the midst of all this uncertainty lives His perfectly woven tapestry of mercy and grace - the fabric sewn by His undying love and brutal death on Calvary, where a cross remains crimson still.

This harsh world often beats me down emotionally and spiritually. The Glass Menagerie in my life reveals itself for all to see - wrongdoings, regrets, fallen promises, struggles, and false desires just to name a few. The remaining innocence becomes dilapidated as an unyielding brokenness shatters its mere fragile state. What amazes me is that His gentle healing, always swiftly-fashioned and never dawdling, is given each time in abundance with no hints of reservation. I'm convinced that time and faith is on our side. They need to work together, so that our tainted lives may be rooted properly and deeply. And then prayerfully, He will be known in a manner that leaves the lost without any questions or uncertainties. I'm guilty for not giving Him the proper amount of time or faith - not even a mustard seed sometimes it seems. And within this ardor of confusion and doubt, His goodness prevails every single time, because I ultimately allow Him to work in and all around me; not because it's convenient, but because of His truth that resides deep within this wounded soul. Lord, may your eternal warranty fix my life’s hobble…

~KH

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