As I sit here this early morning surrounded by an idyllic ambiance in my room, a warm glowing candle brushes off gentle scents while it meets the hushed world. My thoughts have a landing pad now - more like ideas and words trying to inspire or evoke some kind of true and honest emotion out of this weary soul. My struggles always resort to playing hide-n-seek with the human race, but candid they will be these next few moments.
Things are going relatively well these days given the circumstances. It's still quite a trying time emotionally and spiritually, but overall it's fine. At least I know I'll be 'cause my Maker says so. But some moments are harder to bear than others. I'm really praying and trusting that God will ultimately grow me and my faith in all of this - in His time. I think it really comes down to a matter of perspective. You just gotta live, breathe, and do what needs to be done and let things fall into place instead of trying to force things upon yourself. Kind of like what Chuck Nolan (Tom Hank's character in Cast Away) did in order to survive his tumultuous time on the island. He had no reason to go on, but that little picture of Kelly kept him going and he never really knew what the "tide" was going to bring in at any given time. He endured and perservered (James 1: 2-4), and although the love of his life was taken away from him all over again when he returned to civilization, he was then faced with being at a crossroads in his life at the end of the movie - a glimmer of hope is how I interpreted it.
This past Summer, I went through a bible study on Ecclesiastes with my small group. At one point, we studied about doing what's right and being righteous under His provisions. It is very difficult sometimes to do the right thing, and in a sense a moral dilemma. But I think more importantly it's a spiritual dilemma. I mean doesn't it ultimately boil down to the cliched phrase of "What would Jesus do?" Could it be that trite and simple? Yes. I guess there seems to be that trepidation of us not getting our way and thus in turn us finding ourselves in that gray area of compromising our will with God's. That doesn't mix too well. I suppose at the onset, we do things for quick gratification purposes only, but it never works out in the end or for the long-term aspects. We are bombarded in this culture of more, more, more, and now, now, now. Moreover, the less we have to do to attain those selfish things, the better. I mean why do we have to keep pressing the "close door" button on elevators when they automatically close themselves anyways? Does that one extra second truly matter? Perhaps, but that just shows how impatient as a whole we are in this society.
I'm reminded of how some of the poverty-stricken countries can go about life just as well, if not better sometimes, than we do here in America. We are influenced by most of the things we expose ourselves to - if it be entertainment, news, our peers, or whatever. Most of it, we can discern...at least the blatant things, but some subtleties always seem to work into the cracks of our lives. These third world countries that are poverty-stricken have pretty much nothing. But the ones I think of are the families that are living in cardboard shacks; their kids so filled with joy when a foreigner comes to visit them. I mean they can bring something so simple as a Cracker Jack prize and the kids are so excited and happy. And then there are the Christians who live in these environments who are so eager to learn about God and trust solely in Him for everything because they have nothing except Christ in their lives. The genuine joy they have isn't filtered by any complexities or the cares of the world. They just want to live for God and be totally dependent on Him for all of their provisions. There's this understanding of truly knowing God is in the midst of everything in their lives (Proverbs 3: 5-6). I truly need to let God be the mediator of all of the doings in my life. There are no negotiations to be had - He shows me what to do and I do them.
Also this past Summer was VBS. There was no escaping the feeling of renewed vigor for life. These youngins, not too much shorter than me, were in the midst of a joyous Jesus field. Even though they were just a few weeks away from starting school again at the time, all of the cares in the world were wrapped into the two and a half hours each evening of being with friends they knew or new friends they had just met. The goal/theme of VBS was to "splash" these kids with God's love and let them know how much Jesus loves them. Something (God's love) that is so simple to receive, yet I continue to find reasons to not take in what has already been lavished. These kids reminded me so much of myself when I was not "old." Reminiscing of the long Summer days where humidity was the front-runner of what dominated the evenings. Going over to friends' houses to play video games, riding our bikes around and discovering new territory to the likes of Lewis and Clark, playing sports outside until an abrupt fall or injury hindered the forward progression of any hints of athleticism...or I suppose until there was no daylight left. In any case, there were so many things to do; most of them simple, and they were always nestled around laughter and excitement - an eagerness to feel light. Light as a child is what I often daydream about.
At times, I find myself randomly stopping at the local baseball fields, where the kids are playing their little league games, just to see kids enjoying life and being happy. It's almost as if I'm hiding my life from the world so that I may get a glimpse of what life could truly be like. These kids are out on the field leaving their cleat prints in the dirt and grass, while their hands are busy waving at their parents or friends in the stands and dugouts. Some even find time to pretend like they're flying as they prop their hands up like wings and frolic around with the biggest smile on their faces. The ones in the dugout wait anxiously to be put in the game; an eagerness only displayed by the tapping of their feet and fidgety hands in and out of their gloves purchased with their allowance (or by their loving parents). The collective group of kids have no burdens - light as they can be as they share these moments on the field with their friends. Laughter abounds and that's what fills their hearts.
So those little league games were replaced by the clamoring kids at church that week during VBS. Usually after work, I want to either be on the golf course, on my bike riding around in the neighborhood to which I dwell, or find myself plopped down on the couch. This cyclical routine was broken that week; fellowship ensued and I was filled abundantly by God's ultimate joy. The kids were bundles of energy and their loud exclamations for God's scripture was a reflection of what seemed like such a long time ago for me. The honest urgency to want to know Him because in a sadly morbid way, our days are ultimately numbered here on Earth. This is not to say that I'm planning death or anything, but even though these kids were learning why they should be excited about God, the bottom line is that they wanted to learn and couldn't help but to be happy that week. It was fun singing the VBS-themed songs, seeing the joy in all of them as they presented the crafts they made when their parents picked them up, and just the chatting amongst all of them. I couldn't help but to be affected by all of the light and burden-free time. I was grateful that I had the opportunity to serve that week. It wasn't a sacrifice of my time. I've come to realize that there's this need for God's joy in my life. If it's through washing dishes, preparing snacks, talking to other adults and sharing the fun during that week, or simply just soaking in all of the childhood memories that God's gift in these little ones brought me, then so be it. Servanthood can be so filling for the soul.
So as I put the lid on my random and jumbled thoughts, I'm prayerful today that God will lift me, carry me, and make my burdens light as a child. And as I continue to wait, may His glory shine through me so that all the world may see that the joy within me comes from Him...
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11: 28-30
~KH
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