It was Chinese New Year's on January 29: The year of the Dog (ruff!!!). I spent most of the day doing laundry and writing out Chinese characters for a homework assignment. The latter is really more of a desperate attempt to make it sound like I did something Chinese on such a celebrated day in my culture. That's pretty pseudo Chinese of me I know, but if a non-conforming person can make up some lame story on St. Patrick's Day of how a little speck on his or her shirt is green or that a piece of undergarment is green (we won't go there nor will I elaborate), then I most certainly can pass my homework assignment as a Chinese New Year's ritual. In all actuality, I told Howard sometime during the weekend that I'd make some fried rice to ring in the New Year - "flied lice" for those of you who feel it's necessary to make fun of my people's speaking accent. It was my first time using chicken as the meat product in this widely-popular dish. It turned out quite yummy. We wrapped the rice with lettuce, and put some sweet and sour hot sauce to accompany the robust flavor. Meh...maybe it wasn't robust - perhaps just sprinkles of goodness in every bite. Yummy leftovers here we come...
I called dad to send along my wishes for the New Year. He was in the middle of working his second job. With his primary job on the brink of termination, he has taken up a second job at my Uncle Wong's restaurant as a waiter. He's helping my uncle out as his three previous waiters decided to all walk out on him the same day. So until my uncle finds some new employees, my dad will work five out of seven days during the week from 2:00 A.M. to about 11:00 A.M. (as a newspaper delivery dude), and then will head straight to the restaurant until 9:00 P.M. or so. He tries to squeeze in a nap during the afternoon, but that's not always successful. Prior to my phone call this last time, he called me during an afternoon about a week ago since he couldn't fall asleep during his break. I felt so helpless as his voice projected pure exhaustion. He's slowly wearing his body down it seems like, but he knows he can't back out of helping my uncle during this time of need. The only positive thing is that he's able to save the extra money for whenever his newspaper job stops.
My dad is the hardest working person I know - it's a trite saying to an extent, but really, he is. I cannot even begin to tell you the sacrifices he has made for my family. He spends so much energy on making sure that other's never see past his strong facade, but deep inside, he's got the softest heart. I often tell people that I have my mom's sensitive side (not always advertised) and her ways of wanting to be perfect/tidy/clean/neat. From my dad, I got his sharp and quick wit (if you want to call it that) and his facade-building skills. We both revel at what seems like a pursuit of keeping others away with our sarcasm and humor. We don't go around broadcasting our feelings or allow people to comfort us. Instead we march to an obscure beat and will surface when we've had ample time to sort out all of our feelings on our own. We can't ever bother anyone else with our problems; that would be a breach to any protocols we have spent so many years constructing. So stubborn us boys. I don't know what it is, but it's not like it's a privilege to be able to break down these walls of ours. It's far from that quite honestly. What I do know is that we tend to hold in all of this stuff we want to offer people until we know it's safe to proceed. It's the whole security thing and not investing too much too soon...I suppose. My dad is so incredibly special; it really saddens me to know that mom never got to receive all of his heart while she was here on earth.
With all of the close relationships in my life, I feel as if they've taken so much time to build and nourish that I'm actually quite convinced these days of the fact that I'm starting to be free with my emotions. I'll probably never be as open as some people are, but I've come to the realization that although I may not have that much to offer inside, there's this little boy inside me that just simply wants to give whatever it is that God has instilled in me. I don't have to be fearful of letting out the things that have been trapped in my cocoon. You know it's weird how we can speed through the obstacles of life without ever knowing the purposes they served in the first place. So right now, I stop to take in the perspective You want me to understand and grasp, Lord Jesus. I want that one moment where I can stand in the midst of Your freedom; the absolute freedom of Christ. May I have this feeling of being light and unburdened. To know that I'm Your creation; walking through a world that is a creation; under a God that is the Creator. Show me this perspective now - allow me to comprehend the set amount of time I have in this life that you have blessed me with; from the perspective of eternity.
Sorry for the rant - back to my New Year's phone call with dad...
I only got to talk to dad briefly the other day. He wanted so much for Tony and I to be there with him on New Year's, but that wasn't possible this year since we had just been out for Puo Puo's funeral service back in December. The last few years, I have been able to go out to California with Tony or friends to celebrate the holiday. Much eating, fellowshipping, eating, Chinese New Year games, eating, and some sightseeing. It is such an amazing time to be able to be with my family and friends during this joyous occasion. In a way, it's sort of like my Christmas since I don't have the opportunity to be with all of them during that time - granted a couple months late, but it is always welcomed and cherished. As of right now, I'll be going out to California at the end of July for a business trip, and will extend my stay there afterwards to be with family.
So lastly, January 31st is mom's birthday. She would've been 56 years old today. I'm not going to delve too much as my entry back in December for her should give you an idea of how much she means to me, how much I miss her, and what an incredible wife, mom, and sister she was and always will be. There simply isn't enough time in this lifetime or enough words in my limited vocabulary to paint you this beautiful and delicate picture of her. For now, there are 56 candles lit...I'll wait for you in my dreams mom - for you to blow them out and make a wish like the beautiful girl that you are. Wish big and be free always. We miss you mom...
~KH
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