I wrote this for mom five years ago. The words still describe the way I feel except that I miss her even more now. Mom, I miss you so much. More and more than you'll ever know...
December 12 – a day of normality for most people. The daunting task of finishing up Christmas shopping or just the hustle and bustle that comes with the territory of the Holiday Season takes center stage. Since 12/12/98, my life hasn’t been occupied by the aforementioned events. It was a day where I grew closer to my God and my mother…that was the day she lost her battle to Ovarian Cancer. She had fought and fought for two years. Breathing, struggling, and sadness were all encompassed in her daily life when she was diagnosed, but yet the only thing on the forefront of her life was taking care of her husband and two sons. Never once did she think of herself. During the latter stages of her battle, she struggled and endured pain for the sheer benefit of her family. She wanted to give up at the very brink of pain she suffered from deteriorating health and countless chemo treatments, but out of her love for us, she endured and suffered. She was ready to go, but through God’s grace and mercy she was able to smile, breathe, and most importantly give her life up to Christ. It wasn’t until her remaining months here on Earth where she offered her life completely to Christ. As a young Christian myself at the time, I rejoiced with her in the Holy Spirit that was abundantly in us. Before she passed, I had the opportunity to attend church with her in California. The feeling of being next to mom at His throne filled my heart’s content. Hearing her sing worship songs was indeed food to my soul. The common bond of her being a fellow sister complimented her parental role like a warm snuggly blanket on a cold and rainy autumn day.
The memories, ties, and moments I often take away from 12/12 leads to constant tears not only to my eyes, but my heart and soul. I can still remember vividly the last time I saw her. She just wanted to hold my hand. She never liked to be cold…the warmth of me holding her hand was all she wanted before I left to head back to Tallahassee. I now have the jade ornament that was once hung from the rearview mirror of her car in mine. This ornament often frequents the tight hold of my right hand - this is my way of keeping her warm and close to me.
This disease called Ovarian Cancer took away her outward beauty each and everyday until she was free to be with God. But through her gentle touch and the look in her eyes, I knew she loved me just the same as when I was young. Her courage to survive and to beat this cancer was all for my family. She wrote a letter to my brother and I back in February of '98. The main focus of the letter was to ensure my brother and I that she would indeed win her battle against this cancer. She promised that she would be there to see me graduate college, get married, and take care of her grandchildren. These promises are still sustained in my heart to this day, but they won’t be physically fulfilled. One would think that the anger and sadness of this occurrence in my life would bring me to a slight disliking of why my God would do such a thing. I can’t remember for a slight moment where anger would fill me of this occurrence in my life. I have often wondered since mom passed at why I am not mad or angry. Every human aspect of me is telling me to be mad at God; the controller of everything in my life and in this world that I dwell in. After three years now, I have come to a fuller understanding and comprehension of why I am in a state of peace. The sadness of losing a loved one often incorporates more than just sadness, mourning, and grieving. Although tears always find their way to my cheeks on 12/12, her birthday, Mother’s day, and any other day where there’s a tugging of the heart for her, I can remember the life she lived when she was here with me on Earth. The summer shopping days to get me looking all spiffy for the first day of school, the constant driving me to soccer and basketball games, band practice, drum lessons, trips to the supermarket for Cheetos, and fulfilling my desires were always done with grace. I believe the list could go on and on for me, but that’s just the thing…the happy and perfect moments I have instilled in me about her will always carry me out of sadness. Her suffering subsided and the sadness always find its way to a state of dormancy. But the smiles that greet me when I think about her taking care of me and loving me will never be subdued.
I now remember her for the life she lived. Not only for herself and her family, but for Christ. Although it was a short time here on Earth where she was a Christian, she will be a child of God forever and always. Along with the infinite characteristics of God, He showed me that He is a courageous God, that He is a God that is constant, and also that He is a God that shows grace out of the purity of His love. The time mom spent battling this cancer and suffering was guided by God’s divine hand to reveal these characteristics of Him to me. I am so grateful that my mother was not only the best mom to me, but also she was an angel of God at that time to grow my faith in Him. For that, I am forever comforted in His gentle touch. If I may be so bold to say that my hope here on Earth is to be a wrinkle in someone’s life --- a wrinkle that will hopefully show what my mom and God has taught me. Thank you Mom. Thank you God. I’m holding you now Mom…near and dear to me you will always be. And my sister you will always remain at the presence of our Heavenly Father…
~KH
No comments:
Post a Comment